A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”

“The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, “Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits.”

Bonus Blog: The Official Diarrhea Song… sure the last update was in September 2007, but it’s still awesome. They also provide you with the essential structure of the Diarrhea Song—broken up by elements in case you needed help!

You’re welcome.

And in other breaking news, Taylor Mays is… Jewish?

So far we have:

Episode 1: The Mirage / The Venetian
Episode 2: Birdman Attacks @ The Luxor
Episode 3: Tony Romo & Man-Ram @ The Luxor (sporting the t-shirt jersey) — lots of people are falling for this one, notice the view count
Episode 4: Dead Bodies @ The Luxor

I came across these 2 articles last week but I decided to post about the ACC tournament instead. I know it’s Monday and I don’t want to start off anyone’s week on a somber note, but take a look at these two depressing acts of mankind:

Man kills a 12 foot tiger shark in the Gulf of Mexico to “save a friend.”

Man killed girlfriend in fight over beer and tried to have sex with her corpse, Fort Lauderdale police say. (glad I call this place my home)

First let’s address this tiger shark story… Initially, I was in completely onboard with diver Craig Clasen’s actions in killing the sea monster to save his friend, film maker Ryan McInnis. However, now I am wondering if he was even being “saved” at all. I know these were professional photographers down there and they were taking still-images, but seriously — look at those pictures! Really? You have time to do all that? And how in the world do you battle a shark alone for over 2 hours anyway? There is CLEARLY a boat nearby and they are clearly right below the surface…the dude is wearing a snorkel after all–not a scuba tank! So I guess he couldn’t fend off the beast and get out of the water and into the boat?? Why must you crocodile Dundee wrestle this creature to death? Again, don’t get me wrong… if I was being circled by a 12 foot Tiger shark, I would want the help of a more experienced diver to protect me — but NOT to unnecessarily murder death kill the thing for no reason.

Now onto the even more grossly disturbing article. This 41 year old moron brilliantly decided to kill his woman after she told him he couldn’t have more beer and then tell the police that he didn’t know her, followed by  “OK, all right. I did it. I killed her,” the arrest report said. Wow, that must have been a hard police interrogation to give up a confession that quick right? Then again, we are talking about someone dumb enough to actually murder their girlfriend and unsuccessfully have intercourse with her afterward because she told him that he couldn’t have any more beer.  So many things are mind-boggling (What seems to be your boggle?) and gut-wrenching about this article. I hope this dude gets the chair or decides to just killself later after what he did. In the future though ladies, it’s just not worth it to try and come between a man and his beer — just start running.

Damn it Benjamin Franklin. I guess when you spoke, people listened.

It’s because of you that people thought it would be a good idea to utilize more of the sun’s daylight.

It is because of you that we have daylight savings time.

It is because of you that I was late to work today.

Eff your lighting rod.  Damn you Benjamin.

Fantasy baseball announcement: I proudly announce the return of Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball for 2009. For anyone looking to play, please contact me at hliburd@me.com.  It looks like we may have a couple of open spots as of right now, and I’m always looking for good talent.  Our league has always been highly competitive and involves ¾ of the BrainTrust, so this is a big deal for us.  Come correct, or don’t come at all.

Dave Mercado is our 2-time defending champion, and I have dedicated my entire 2009 season to his eminent downfall.  I ain’t playin.  If he wins again, I might just have to quit this whole fantasy thing (don’t quote me on that—I’m just pumping myself up right now).

Monday movie night: The past 2 Monday nights, Dem David Dem and I have been taking time out of our already busy evenings to go to the movies.  The first movie we saw is never to be mentioned again (and if you do know what movie we saw, don’t you dare tell).  The second movie was “Taken (Tooked)”.  We were joined by Thrice B for that one and the general consensus is that the flick did its job—to entertain. And because we have done this for two consecutive weekends, we hereby declare Monday nights “Movie Night”.  This can stop at any time because there are no regulations to our declarations.  Actually, I predict that “Monday Movie Night” won’t make it past March just because.  But I digress.

We will be continuing the weekly tradition tonight with an 8:30 AMC20 viewing of “Watchmen” with the obvious pre-party at the 4th Quarter Bar & Grill.

Another great nuglet about Monday movies:  $4.75! For that price you can even bring a date this time.

- El Meester

Genius... staring you in the face

Sometimes we stumble across genius.  One never can tell when a timeless thought, expression, or idea is right around the corner.

OR you know David Antonio Gomez.  When in the company of the fellow NameDavid, genius is staring you in the face.  SwaggerTooth is, more or less, NameDavid’s carte blanche.  It is a way of life.  It is a name of a band.  It is our debut album (What? We’re a band?).  It is a contact in my cell phone.  It is a doctrine to be spread.  Really, nobody knows exactly what SwaggerTooth is but we’ll try to find out with this site.  Or we won’t.  Let’s begin.

-El Meester